happiness



I have been feeling unhappy.

I miss the sun. Strange, right? I normally avoid the sun as much as possible, because we don't normally get along too well. Working overnights has changed that. I crave sunlight and literally can't seem to get enough.

I miss a girl who made me very happy. Sometimes that hits harder than others, but it's been fairly regular. I miss feeling 10 feet off the ground and feeling secure. 

I miss people. I'm tired of being asleep when the sun and my friends are awake. I'm tired of being awake when the sun and my friends are asleep. For this season, it's necessary, but I pray for not much longer. 

I miss my family. Having them within 3 hours and not being able to see them is every bit of frustrating. Like ships in the night, we seem to miss each others' calls and texts and faces. 

I miss good perspective. Lord, help.

I am told that I am made in your image, God.
Sometimes I am not so sure. 
I am petty and selfish and want what I want, now.
But if what they say is true, I am created for you.
I am made to worship and live for your glory, not my own.
Made to serve you and others, not myself.
I am finding that when I try to put my happiness ahead of obedience to you,
I violate my own nature and become, ultimately, miserable. 
Matthew 16:25 helps me understand a seeming paradox.
"Whoever wants to save his life will lose it,
but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it."
Jesus, if I seek my own happiness more than I seek you, I will have neither;
if I seek to serve you more than serve happiness, I will have both.
Please pull this life-choking, self-centered weed at the roots.
Make room in my heart for more of you.

I am beginning to feel happy.

Not Your Typical 24 Episode

THE FOLLOWING TAKES PLACE
BETWEEN 4:00 A.M. AND 5:00 A.M.

I turned the corner and entered a patient's room. Stunned, my eyes laid witness to an elderly man, unbeknownst to his sleeping roommate, walking around without a single stitch of clothing. This was not the first time, nor do I believe it will be the last, for this particular crossroad. I have unknowingly developed a formula for how I respond to such interactions. "Whoa, whoa, whoa, let's get some clothes on you, sir (or ma'am)" seems to be my typical response. Disbelief --> some repeated interjection --> and a rush to politely clothe. 

THE FOLLOWING TAKES PLACE
BETWEEN 8:00 A.M. AND 9:00 A.M.

While drinking a delicious Aztec hot chocolate, I write my thoughts about my first oncology practicum shift of my last semester in nursing school. I am almost done with school...really. Weird. Exciting. Unknown.

THE FOLLOWING TAKES PLACE
BETWEEN 9:00 A.M. AND 6:00 P.M.

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

THE FOLLOWING TAKES PLACE
BETWEEN 7:00 P.M. AND 9:00 P.M.

Homework.

THE FOLLOWING TAKES PLACE
BETWEEN 9:00 P.M. AND 10:00 P.M.


I receive a phone call from a friend with very sobering news. The dad of a very young friend is moving out. I don't know whether to be happy or sad...so I am both. The effects of this are unknown and weighty. I pray, "God, will you surround with your fatherly love, those children whose lives have been scarred, who have wounds that need healing, that they may learn that even if all others fail them, you really can be trusted? Transform pain into forgiveness, Jesus. You alone can bring healing and restoration. You alone are our hope."

THE FOLLOWING TAKES PLACE
BETWEEN 1:00 A.M. AND 3:00 A.M.

As I read a book about marriage, instead of getting excited about the future, my spirit rejoices in the beauty of the gospel. Amen! I am excited for the future, but more so because I know that God has designed marriage to bring us closer to himself. This mystery is profound and I am thankful for eyes now that are allowed to glimpse into the riches and grace to be had, if God so wills.

THE FOLLOWING TAKES PLACE
BETWEEN 4:00 A.M. AND 5:00 A.M.

I type away at a keyboard and contemplate going to sleep. Yep, it's going to happen. Well, goodnight/good-morning.

I AM WHO I AM.



The book of Genesis begins by showing us how God formed the world for himself. Similarly, the book of Exodus begins by showing us how God formed Israel for himself. And he did this for a great reason. "...for I give water in the wilderness, rivers in the desert, to give drink to my chosen people, the people whom I formed for myself that they might declare my praise." Isaiah 43:20, 21.
The forming of Israel into a people was a new creation. That they might declare my praise. 


Today I want to declare the praise of God. Lord, please make it so.


Come, I will send you to Pharaoh that you may bring my people, the children of Israel, out of Egypt.” But Moses said to God, “Who am I that I should go to Pharaoh and bring the children of Israel out of Egypt?” He said, “But I will be with you, and this shall be the sign for you, that I have sent you: when you have brought the people out of Egypt, you shall serve God on this mountain.”
Then Moses said to God, “If I come to the people of Israel and say to them, ‘The God of your fathers has sent me to you,’ and they ask me, ‘What is his name?’ what shall I say to them?” God said to Moses, “I AM WHO I AM.” And he said, “Say this to the people of Israel, ‘I AM has sent me to you.’” God also said to Moses, “Say this to the people of Israel, ‘The LORD, the God of your fathers, the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob, has sent me to you.’ This is my name forever, and thus I am to be remembered throughout all generations. Go and gather the elders of Israel together and say to them, ‘The LORD, the God of your fathers, the God of Abraham, of Isaac, and of Jacob, has appeared to me, saying, “I have observed you and what has been done to you in Egypt, and I promise that I will bring you up out of the affliction of Egypt to the land of the Canaanites, the Hittites, the Amorites, the Perizzites, the Hivites, and the Jebusites, a land flowing with milk and honey.”’ And they will listen to your voice, and you and the elders of Israel shall go to the king of Egypt and say to him, ‘The LORD, the God of the Hebrews, has met with us; and now, please let us go a three days' journey into the wilderness, that we may sacrifice to the LORD our God.’ But I know that the king of Egypt will not let you go unless compelled by a mighty hand. So I will stretch out my hand and strike Egypt with all the wonders that I will do in it; after that he will let you go. And I will give this people favor in the sight of the Egyptians; and when you go, you shall not go empty, but each woman shall ask of her neighbor, and any woman who lives in her house, for silver and gold jewelry, and for clothing. You shall put them on your sons and on your daughters. So you shall plunder the Egyptians.”
(Exodus 3:10-22 ESV)
This passage falls just after God, in a burning bush, reveals himself to Moses. Here, we see God revealing his promises and purposes to Moses; purposes that Moses does not initially understand, or agree with, for that matter. Moses questions his own ability or worthiness, and in turn, poses a question to God. But God does not answer Moses' question in the way he asks, but instead says, "I will be with you" indicating that his presence with Moses is essential to what God is calling him to. God found this answer to be sufficient for Moses...and often for us. God's presence gives honor to the worthless, wisdom and strength for the weak and foolish, makes the greatest difficulties dwindle to nothing, and is enough to answer all objections.


Moses inquires of God's name. God readily answers with what he would now be known by.  I AM WHO I AM. Let it suffice, that he is who he is, who he ever was and ever will be. He is faithful and true to all his promises, unchangeable in his word and nature, and does not lie. God wants Israel to know that this is the God who has sent Moses to them...I AM has sent me to you.


My heart begins to beat faster and tears form in the corners of my eyes. My vocal cords tighten up. And a smile emerges on my face. I AM.


I AM the bread of life...                         John 6:35, 48, 51
I AM the light of the world...                 John 8:12, 9:5
I AM the door of the sheep...                John 10:7, 9
I AM the good shepherd...                    John 10:11, 14
I AM the ressurection and the life...      John 11:25
I AM the way, the truth and the life...    John 14:6
I AM the true vine...                              John 15:1


Jesus said "For if you believed Moses, you would believe me; for he wrote of me." John 5:46


The same hand that now fetched a shepherd out of a desert, to be the planter of a Jewish church, afterwards fetched fisherman from their ships, to be the planters of the Christian church, that the excellency of the power might be of God. Praise be to God!


Thank you, Lord, for your Word and for Jesus, THE Word! May I declare your praise the rest of my days!