From the Dust

happiness

2012-01-30T03:26:00.004-06:00

I have been feeling unhappy.

I miss the sun. Strange, right? I normally avoid the sun as much as possible, because we don't normally get along too well. Working overnights has changed that. I crave sunlight and literally can't seem to get enough.

I miss a girl who made me very happy. Sometimes that hits harder than others, but it's been fairly regular. I miss feeling 10 feet off the ground and feeling secure.

I miss people. I'm tired of being asleep when the sun and my friends are awake. I'm tired of being awake when the sun and my friends are asleep. For this season, it's necessary, but I pray for not much longer.

I miss my family. Having them within 3 hours and not being able to see them is every bit of frustrating. Like ships in the night, we seem to miss each others' calls and texts and faces.

I miss good perspective. Lord, help.

I am told that I am made in your image, God.

Sometimes I am not so sure.

I am petty and selfish and want what I want, now.

But if what they say is true, I am created for you.

I am made to worship and live for your glory, not my own.

Made to serve you and others, not myself.

I am finding that when I try to put my happiness ahead of obedience to you,

I violate my own nature and become, ultimately, miserable.

Matthew 16:25 helps me understand a seeming paradox.

"Whoever wants to save his life will lose it,

but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it."

Jesus, if I seek my own happiness more than I seek you, I will have neither;

if I seek to serve you more than serve happiness, I will have both.

Please pull this life-choking, self-centered weed at the roots.

Make room in my heart for more of you.

I am beginning to feel happy.

Not Your Typical 24 Episode

2012-01-26T04:42:00.001-06:00

THE FOLLOWING TAKES PLACE

BETWEEN 4:00 A.M. AND 5:00 A.M.

I turned the corner and entered a patient's room. Stunned, my eyes laid witness to an elderly man, unbeknownst to his sleeping roommate, walking around without a single stitch of clothing. This was not the first time, nor do I believe it will be the last, for this particular crossroad. I have unknowingly developed a formula for how I respond to such interactions. "Whoa, whoa, whoa, let's get some clothes on you, sir (or ma'am)" seems to be my typical response. Disbelief --> some repeated interjection --> and a rush to politely clothe.

THE FOLLOWING TAKES PLACE

BETWEEN 8:00 A.M. AND 9:00 A.M.

While drinking a delicious Aztec hot chocolate, I write my thoughts about my first oncology practicum shift of my last semester in nursing school. I am almost done with school...really. Weird. Exciting. Unknown.

THE FOLLOWING TAKES PLACE

BETWEEN 9:00 A.M. AND 6:00 P.M.

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

THE FOLLOWING TAKES PLACE

BETWEEN 7:00 P.M. AND 9:00 P.M.

Homework.

THE FOLLOWING TAKES PLACE

BETWEEN 9:00 P.M. AND 10:00 P.M.

I receive a phone call from a friend with very sobering news. The dad of a very young friend is moving out. I don't know whether to be happy or sad...so I am both. The effects of this are unknown and weighty. I pray, "God, will you surround with your fatherly love, those children whose lives have been scarred, who have wounds that need healing, that they may learn that even if all others fail them, you really can be trusted? Transform pain into forgiveness, Jesus. You alone can bring healing and restoration. You alone are our hope."

THE FOLLOWING TAKES PLACE

BETWEEN 1:00 A.M. AND 3:00 A.M.

As I read a book about marriage, instead of getting excited about the future, my spirit rejoices in the beauty of the gospel. Amen! I am excited for the future, but more so because I know that God has designed marriage to bring us closer to himself. This mystery is profound and I am thankful for eyes now that are allowed to glimpse into the riches and grace to be had, if God so wills.

THE FOLLOWING TAKES PLACE

BETWEEN 4:00 A.M. AND 5:00 A.M.

I type away at a keyboard and contemplate going to sleep. Yep, it's going to happen. Well, goodnight/good-morning.

I AM WHO I AM.

2012-01-23T02:41:00.002-06:00

The book of Genesis begins by showing us how God formed the world for himself. Similarly, the book of Exodus begins by showing us how God formed Israel for himself. And he did this for a great reason. "...for I give water in the wilderness, rivers in the desert, to give drink to my chosen people, the people whom I formed for myself that they might declare my praise." Isaiah 43:20, 21.
The forming of Israel into a people was a new creation. That they might declare my praise.

Today I want to declare the praise of God. Lord, please make it so.

Come, I will send you to Pharaoh that you may bring my people, the children of Israel, out of Egypt.” But Moses said to God, “Who am I that I should go to Pharaoh and bring the children of Israel out of Egypt?” He said, “But I will be with you, and this shall be the sign for you, that I have sent you: when you have brought the people out of Egypt, you shall serve God on this mountain.”
Then Moses said to God, “If I come to the people of Israel and say to them, ‘The God of your fathers has sent me to you,’ and they ask me, ‘What is his name?’ what shall I say to them?” God said to Moses, “I AM WHO I AM.” And he said, “Say this to the people of Israel, ‘I AM has sent me to you.’” God also said to Moses, “Say this to the people of Israel, ‘The LORD, the God of your fathers, the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob, has sent me to you.’ This is my name forever, and thus I am to be remembered throughout all generations. Go and gather the elders of Israel together and say to them, ‘The LORD, the God of your fathers, the God of Abraham, of Isaac, and of Jacob, has appeared to me, saying, “I have observed you and what has been done to you in Egypt, and I promise that I will bring you up out of the affliction of Egypt to the land of the Canaanites, the Hittites, the Amorites, the Perizzites, the Hivites, and the Jebusites, a land flowing with milk and honey.”’ And they will listen to your voice, and you and the elders of Israel shall go to the king of Egypt and say to him, ‘The LORD, the God of the Hebrews, has met with us; and now, please let us go a three days' journey into the wilderness, that we may sacrifice to the LORD our God.’ But I know that the king of Egypt will not let you go unless compelled by a mighty hand. So I will stretch out my hand and strike Egypt with all the wonders that I will do in it; after that he will let you go. And I will give this people favor in the sight of the Egyptians; and when you go, you shall not go empty, but each woman shall ask of her neighbor, and any woman who lives in her house, for silver and gold jewelry, and for clothing. You shall put them on your sons and on your daughters. So you shall plunder the Egyptians.”
(Exodus 3:10-22 ESV)

This passage falls just after God, in a burning bush, reveals himself to Moses. Here, we see God revealing his promises and purposes to Moses; purposes that Moses does not initially understand, or agree with, for that matter. Moses questions his own ability or worthiness, and in turn, poses a question to God. But God does not answer Moses' question in the way he asks, but instead says, "I will be with you" indicating that his presence with Moses is essential to what God is calling him to. God found this answer to be sufficient for Moses...and often for us. God's presence gives honor to the worthless, wisdom and strength for the weak and foolish, makes the greatest difficulties dwindle to nothing, and is enough to answer all objections.

Moses inquires of God's name. God readily answers with what he would now be known by. I AM WHO I AM. Let it suffice, that he is who he is, who he ever was and ever will be. He is faithful and true to all his promises, unchangeable in his word and nature, and does not lie. God wants Israel to know that this is the God who has sent Moses to them...I AM has sent me to you.

My heart begins to beat faster and tears form in the corners of my eyes. My vocal cords tighten up. And a smile emerges on my face. I AM.

I AM the bread of life... John 6:35, 48, 51
I AM the light of the world... John 8:12, 9:5
I AM the door of the sheep... John 10:7, 9
I AM the good shepherd... John 10:11, 14
I AM the ressurection and the life... John 11:25
I AM the way, the truth and the life... John 14:6
I AM the true vine... John 15:1

Jesus said "For if you believed Moses, you would believe me; for he wrote of me." John 5:46

The same hand that now fetched a shepherd out of a desert, to be the planter of a Jewish church, afterwards fetched fisherman from their ships, to be the planters of the Christian church, that the excellency of the power might be of God. Praise be to God!

Thank you, Lord, for your Word and for Jesus, THE Word! May I declare your praise the rest of my days!

Jesus Will Build His Church.

2011-12-09T05:59:00.006-06:00

While trapped in isolation gear consisting of a yellow plastic gown and blue gloves, I began to read and to sweat. Drinking coffee probably didn't help my temperature regulation, but I can say with certainty that I needed it to stay awake. Let's just assume I stayed awake for the duration of my shift. I did have several hours to read, and read I did. Some from Matthew, Isaiah, Acts, Genesis, 1 Kings, 2 Kings, 2 Timothy, Philippians, Romans, Revelation...

Jesus will build his church. This is clear. It has been God's aim from before the foundations of the Earth were set. In a stifling room, confined to a muggy apron, I read with keen eyes and an impassioned heart. Walls within my heart have come down that I didn't know I'd built. Praise God! Life is flowing through my veins and my heart is beating with excitement, my mind races with thoughts much to big to think. God drew near tonight. My heart rejoiced at truths in his Word that speak love loudly. These truths also speak love clearly and simply. Truth leaped from the pages and a renewed vision and purpose welled inside my heart and mind.

Jesus will build his church. My heart stirred in such a way tonight that words merely hint at the joy I am feeling. Caught up in excitement I told myself, "Self, get a tattoo tomorrow morning, lest you forget again what God has placed on your heart." Now, I'm still thinking over the tattoo idea, but the message God placed upon my heart, through his word, is clear and reorienting.

Go, Eric, disciple the nations. These are my people, whom I love. Teach all that I have taught you. Wield the sword of the Spirit mightily, for darkness is dying. My Son will build his church. He will not be stopped. And behold, he is with you ALWAYS, to the end of the age. Pray earnestly that more laborers be sent out into my harvest. Go, my son, go and disciple the nations. Live with eternity in focus, live with this purpose and passion. Eric, these are the things I am passionate about and already at work doing. Join me in this fight of faith. Love me and love my people by going and discipling. Make waves for my Kingdom.

Lord, I echo your saints, if you'll teach me your Word I'll proclaim it for the rest of my days.
This was a significant, sweaty, joyful night!

"A Thanksgiving" for a thankful and blustery Sunday

2011-11-27T20:07:00.009-06:00

I Thank Thee, boundless Giver,
That the thoughts Thou givest flow
In sounds that like a river
All through the darkness go.
And though few should swell the pleasure,
By sharing this my wine,
My heart will clasp its treasure,
This secret gift of Thine.

My heart the joy inherits,
And will oft be sung to rest;
And some wandering hoping spirits
May listen and be blest.
For the sound may break the hours
In a dark and gloomy mood,
As the wind breaks up the bowers
Of the brooding sunless wood.

For every sound of gladness
Is a prophet-wind that tells
Of a summer without sadness,
And a love without farewells;
And a heart that hath no ailing,
And an eye that is not dim,
And a faith that without failing
Shall be complete in Him.

And when my heart is mourning,
The songs it lately gave,
Back to their fount returning,
Make sweet the bitter wave;
And forth a new stream floweth,
In sunshine winding fair;
And through the dark wood goeth
Glad laughter on the air.

For the heart of man that waketh,
Yet hath not ceased to dream,
Is the only fount that maketh
The sweet and bitter stream.
But the sweet will still be flowing
When the bitter stream is dry,
And glad music only going
On the breezes of the sky.

I thank Thee, boundless Giver,
That the thoughts Thou givest flow
In sounds that like a river
All through the darkness go.
And though few should swell the pleasure
By sharing this my wine,
My heart will clasp its treasure,
This secret gift of Thine.

--George MacDonald

Make the Tree Good

2011-11-23T10:23:00.005-06:00

Transform me, Jesus. Transform the way I feel and think and love; renew my mind with your Word. Stir me to take steps in life that make known your true value. Make it so, Lord, I plead. Sanctify and free me by your truth, that I may discern what is good, acceptable and perfect. I give myself to this. May the fruit be good.

Words I Long to Hear

2011-08-14T02:03:00.001-05:00

"You are still a sinner. But I see in your life the distinguishing fruit of my Son's mercy. Your mercy on others is the evidence of his mercy in you. And for his sake I now show you mercy again. Come, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world."

Joplin, Missouri. May, 2011.

2011-06-01T04:54:00.004-05:00

mysterychurch.com

2011-05-29T09:45:00.006-05:00

Would you consider taking a moment to pray now for the families devastated by the tornado in Joplin, MO. Lift them before the throne.

When all seems lost
When we're thrown and we're tossed
We remember the cost
We rest in Him
Shadow of the cross - dcb

2011-05-22T06:58:00.004-05:00

I'm a sucker for allegory. Could quite possibly be my favorite to read. Drawing from the substance of familiar life, one can bring an idea to bear in a special way, unfolding meaning and truths that are cloaked in beautiful imagery. Jesus mastered this literary device...not surprising, being the Word made flesh, but dang he is GOOD!

While in Brazil, where distractions were limited, time passed leisurely, and my heart was focused, I was able to savor this Word that truly is sweeter than honey to the taste. While preparing to lead the morning's devotional, my eyes landed on John 15."That's it! We’ll talk about botany." I love this passage. It's all good, but man, I love the depth and richness of these verses.

1-11: “I am the true vine, and my Father is the vinedresser. 2 Every branch in me that does not bear fruit he takes away, and every branch that does bear fruit he prunes, that it may bear more fruit. 3 Already you are clean because of the word that I have spoken to you. 4 Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me. 5 I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing. 6 If anyone does not abide in me he is thrown away like a branch and withers; and the branches are gathered, thrown into the fire, and burned. 7 If you abide in me, and my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. 8 By this my Father is glorified, that you bear much fruit and so prove to be my disciples. 9 As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Abide in my love. 10 If you keep my commandments, you will abide in my love, just as I have kept my Father's commandments and abide in his love. 11 These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full.

Jesus calls himself the true vine, which at first glance seems normal enough, but upon further pondering I begin to see humility flow from his words. Jesus, God incarnate, is pleased to speak of himself as a part of his own creation, a lowly vine. What a humble comparison.
God is the gardener, Jesus is the vine. What about me? Well, it’s not...
Graced with reality’s perspective, smallness ensues. Life is NOT about me, or us for the matter, but about Him. These verses help me remember my position before God: He is above all, Creator, Master, Lord and Savior. AND, though this life’s not about me, the Father chose to draw me, who was once far, very near to himself. “Every branch in me...” O the sweetness those words possess. Jesus calls us into himself and transports us into a relationship of favor with our heavenly Father. Think about this: as branches, we are made up of the very DNA of the vine we’re a part of. The very DNA of Jesus!

“If . . . my words abide in you." Abide, what does that really mean anyway?

I believe this means that the words of Jesus take root in us and bear fruit. I'm no linguistics wizard, but when I think of the word abide, a similar word abode also comes to mind. Dwelling. His words find a home in us, and they fit cozily; they really belong. Recently I’ve been preparing to move across town and have been doing some Spring cleaning. In much the same way, we’ve go to do some rearranging and getting rid of things so that the word has room and “feels at home.” The words of Jesus don't abide without effect. This is a distinction that I missed for years. I just need to read my bible more, that's my problem. No, I need to abide. Yes, to read my Bible, but in such a way as to have the words of Jesus take root and bear the fruits of faith and holiness in my life.

Prune away, great God, for your own glory and my good. Please bring forth much fruit and joy. The word of Christ brings life as it works grace, and works out corruption. Thank you for life-giving allegory.

Stretching Money

2011-04-26T10:28:00.002-05:00

I hope this finds you living in the hope and peace of Christ's glorious resurrection!

I just received my tax return and have decided to use it to help others. I am going to Haiti in June and the tax return covers the remaining balance owed, but then is almost gone. The question is:

Are you feeling generous after Easter? Should you be? :) I would love to see the money go farther and help more people.

Call me or message me if you are interested in donating towards Haiti so that more of the tax return can go to help others. Thank you for considering this!

Eric Papp 417-425-6847

| Brasil - Day 1 |

2011-03-27T21:30:00.003-05:00

After an eventful first day of flights, bumpy and winding van rides, and temperature adjustment, we were welcomed to our pousada by the generous staff. Quick snack of fresh guarana juice, nap, lunch, then off to Pão de Açúcar (Sugarloaf Mountain). Pictures do not do any justice to the beauty one drinks in from atop the summit. The glass-paneled cable cars proved nerve-wracking for some, but offered great 360 views of the surrounding city. Knowing that I was peering down at millions of lives being lived out at that very moment was humbling. The church gathering was beautiful; worshiping Jesus with other believers in Portugese continues to expand my view and understanding of how immense He is. Tomorrow begins our vacation Bible school in a favela in Niteroi. Please pray for the little ones and for grace to recognize children as capable of authentic faith. From Brasil, for the glory of God...boa noite.

Admiration

2011-03-23T12:23:00.000-05:00

"The more you see your own flaws and sins, the more precious, electrifying, and amazing God's grace appears to you." -Keller

I am being changed. I can see good fruit that comes only from God. My eyes are more open to my need for Jesus; for God to look upon his righteousness and not my own. Oh what a good God we have. Reading Revelation 5 this morning broke me because I forget that Jesus is the only one worthy enough to open the scroll, and the only one worthy of the affections of my heart. It also brought me great joy to look upon the grace of God, in this exchange, with new eyes of appreciation and awe. He truly does satisfy to the very core if I should only open my eyes. Praise be to the one seated on the throne and to The Lamb who was slain.

awaiting (psalm 22)

2011-03-11T23:01:00.006-06:00

My God, where are you in this grief?

I taste unrest, with no relief.

For I am mocked, despised by all,

My faith derided, scorn befalls.

My bones are staring from my chest,

My heart, it melts within my breast.

O you my help and my success,

Have turned your ear in my distress.

We eat and we are satisfied,

Betrothed to you, we are your bride.

Your blood is spilled to make us new,

The curse of sin you did undo.

Praise be to God the righteous one,

We shall proclaim that it is done!

city on a hill

2011-02-21T21:02:00.006-06:00

Let me love both friend and foe

Let me shine though fallen

Give me compassion, I need to understand

what they're going through

Let me be broken, let me be poured out

I'm yours to give away

Don't let my light be hidden

City on a hill, city on a hill not hidden

Light of the world, to you my heart is knit

Let all your light be more than just within me

Let it spill over, let it flood out into

the city streets

Sisters and brothers won't you come hear

the song the Savior sings

Won't you come join the song the Savior sings

Don't let my light be hidden

City on a hill, city on a hill not hidden

Come all you who are broken

hungry

humbled

Come on, come on, come on

come taste and see

dissipating fog

2011-01-19T02:09:00.008-06:00

hours of words fill my head. rheumatoid, nodular, autoimmune, neoplasm, hirsutism. words swimming through two fatigued hemispheres. a cellphone call dissipates the haze within my head. "have you left your house yet?" I struggle to recall why I would be leaving my house. oh yeah, community group! crap, I'm almost late. I welcome the interruption and rush to Paquin Tower, doing my best to balance twelve forks, cups and plates all the while. this is a new setting for us all. A little strange, yet fresh and exciting.

we decided to move our weekly gathering from the comforts and convenience of a private residence into a public housing complex in order to reach out to an underserved and underestimated group of wonderful people. This has proved to be both challenging and beautiful.

our stories are being woven together, combining a few awkward moments drowned out by the radiant glow of new friends moved to laughter. I look around, an infant is held by a young couple, to my left a quaker eating spaghetti, to my right a man in a wheelchair talks about eating turtle soup. across from me, a woman invites us to pray for her employment opportunity, being as she finds it difficult to make each month's rent. a few college students. a man asks us to pray for him as he struggles through the effects of a mental condition. this man shines with an everlasting light. he speaks genuinely of his walk with Jesus and how He is the sustaining force in his life. I am humbled. praise God, I am humbled. have you ever experienced moments where you feel like the veil has been removed just long enough for you to see community as God intended? we each still have plenty of walls still standing in the way, but there are glimpses into God's Kingdom come on earth.

the phrase "everlasting light" is uttered by my friend with the mental condition. I pull out my phone and I share a very rough cut of a song a few friends and I wrote and recorded last month in mississippi with a lyric including the same words. we sit next to each other leaning in to hear through the small speaker. after the song is finished, he says that he wants us to perform it on the tonight show. I laugh and think of how silly that would be, but I promise to burn him a copy of the cd. "I would love that. I'll buy a cd player so I can listen to it." I am humbled again.

this move has been a good change. I see a glimpse of heaven on earth. physical needs. spiritual needs. each important. Lord, move us into action.

Songwriter's Retreat: endings and beginnings (+ quotes!)

2011-01-09T01:29:00.003-06:00

Well, we did it. We took off from the normal, everydayness and took the plunge into the intensity of songwriting in community. In the end, we wrote and recorded 13 songs, some which came to us as one word or phrase; others with a better skeleton; still others which were mostly finished but needed the ear and voice of another living soul. All were our seed-songs, given to each other to help them grow up.

Stay tuned to hear what happens with this collection of souls and songs. Some of us are getting married; others are going to Ghana for many months. And the songs will eventually make their way into the final stages of songmaking (mixing, re-mixing, and still more mixing!) Hopefully your ear will lend a listen!

As for the rest of this writing, below are some of our favorite quotes (and pictures!) from the weekend, of which I gave context where needed to understand why something was said the way it was said (though mostly, when you're tired and silly, you don't know why you say what you say!)

from The Quote Page
Songwriter's Retreat 2010

(before recording a live clap-track for one of our songs)
"Should we clap off-beat on purpose?" Katie

"No; that'll happen naturally." Matthew

"They were so few in number but they had so many brains!"
Eric & Matthew

"I'm sorry I screwed it up (meaning the vocals in the song)." Matt
"You didn't screw it up, that's just the way you sing." Abbye

"Abbye, your voice is angelic!" Katie
"Well, it's debatable..." Abbye

"Don't touch my butt, Katie!"Matthew
"But your butt is just so touchable." Abbye (chiming in)
(Uncomfortable laughter from Matthew)
"Hey, you opened it... the can of worms, I mean, not your butt." Abbye
*Disclaimer: No one touched anyone else's butt. Ever.

(While looking at a picture being drawn)
"Is that Abbye?" Katie
"Um, well, this girl's black..." Eric

"Urethra Franklin!" Matthew
(in a conversation that somehow led to bladder infections)

"God, your company is so dreary." Matthew
(sometimes it's difficult to get those lyrics right)

"Tongue, what?!" Katie
(you really shouldn't eat from street vendors in Ghana...)

"Be astonished! We are common men with a mighty message." Eric
(Inspired by the reading of Acts 4:13)

Songwriter's Retreat, Day 4: freedom in confession (or "What you learn from being cooped up in a cabin for 4 days")

2011-01-04T15:28:00.002-06:00

Confession happened in the Bear Cub Cabin this morning. By day 4 of sleeping, eating, collaborating, and singing in a two-story, 4-bedroom cabin, (with 5 people) we are bound to be short with one another, inconsiderate, and selfish at times. We have proven that even 5 artists, excited to be together, aren't immune from the sin of selfish ambition and the world's voice that says, "Your wants and needs matter most."

But even though we've not always been considerate, we've filled the air with confession and gentleness. A few of us took some time to speak of the envy we've felt about friendships, lack of confidence in our ability to find the right harmony, the strain of time-constraint when recording music that includes multiple musicians and vocalists.

And in speaking some of these things, we've been met with forgiveness and relief... which is, indeed, a relief! And with this confession, forgiveness, relief, we've grown in greater intimacy wth these friends, whether or not we knew each other's middle names or how we take our coffee before we came together this week.

I don't think we expected confession when we came here. But depth in relationships doesn't happen without honesty; I'm so thankful for these friends who helped us live into this.

What else have we learned from being cooped up in a cabin for 4 days? That meals are better by candlelight, unhurried, d r a w n out. That butter is better than margarine. That damp wood will not successfully build a fire! That togetherness is good. That pumpkin chocolate-chip muffins are best when microwaved for 20 seconds, then eaten with a glass of milk (this lesson we really learned!)

Oh, we've learned a lot; we've gained a lot. We've gained a truer picture of how we can submit to one another; we've gained new, deeper friendships; we've gained a real togetherness.

-Abbye

Page CXVI: Hymns III

2011-01-04T14:28:00.000-06:00

Songwriter's Retreat, Day 3: ten bookmarks

2011-01-01T03:31:00.002-06:00

We are listening, hearing the Scriptures read aloud. Ten bookmarks*, ten books, ten chapters; five voices, around the fire, the prayer candle. The 'Beatitudes,' the genealogy of Noah (the one who will bring us relief from the ground which was cursed), reminder that Jesus brought reconciliation.Two more songs written today, and yes! We are caught up on recording! Our songs are all so different, unique, which has really struck all of us. When we give a seed-song over to the ears and eyes of another person, they will almost always hear something that we could not have heard on our own.

And what do the rest of us do when one person is tediously recording vocals, guitars, etc.? We read. And draw. And snap pictures. And hold in our giggles... all in silence, of course! It isn't uncommon that as soon as we hear Matthew tap the spacebar (which stops the recording), exhales are heard around the room, followed by loads of laughter. But the best of it all is that we are always together during this time. Somehow, even amidst our various activities, there is a certain togetherness, a unity in our time. A mystery, we can call it.
We, at different times, have been stricken by this mystery, the beauty of it all. In moments throughout the week, the lenses have come off. And when they've come off, redemption is concrete; the Family of God is a real, intimate community; confession and honesty are healing, a necessary piece of dying to ourselves, our individual arrogance dashed.

Another late night, but oh, how it's been worth it...

*In Eric Papp's Bible are ten bookmarks, in ten different books of the Bible, representing ten chapters to be read daily. He's really loving this method of reading Scripture, and he shared it with us. Let us know if you'd like to know more about this for your own reading!
http://www.scribd.com/doc/12349985/Professor-Grant-Horners-Bible-Reading-System

-Abbye

Songwriter's Retreat, Wednesday (Day 2): Emergency naptime!

2011-01-01T03:24:00.002-06:00

As the lunch conversation ended, quiet was falling upon us and eyelids were heavy. At least, mine were. So, as the dishes were being washed, and a nap seemed really nice, Emergency Naptime was declared!

Hour-long (or more) naps ensued. All was well.

Today's outpouring of songs was good, encouraging. Each of the groups came together with songs mostly filled out. The girls got together with some folky tunes and harmonies; prayers from Scripture and hymns of old. The guys offered up some haunting ("in a good way") melodies.

Now, here we are, shakers, hand drums, and mandolins going wild, with 4 songs left to get down before the night is done. And I have to say, the Emergency Nap gave me the energy I need to make it through!

Katie gave us a word today about worship, naming us outpourers. We all worship, we all pour out. But what is in us to pour out depends on who and what we worship. I sense this week that we've been filled up with the richness of friendship, honesty, reliance on God through dark times; and now we get to pour out from those things.

Thank God for Emergency Naps, Family, and the gift of song to lead us in the pouring out!

May the lyrics and melodies bear fruit in the lives of those we may never see or know...

-Abbye

Songwriter's Retreat, Tuesday (Day 1): bringing our seed-songs

2011-01-01T03:11:00.002-06:00

We began our morning slowly, quietly, with breakfast and some time spread throughout the house, alone with our journals and prayers. Today's journal entry for me is so different from my last - pleading and crying out for friends back in Memphis who are in the throws of addiction. [Lord, have mercy.]

But this morning, I sat on Lake Pickwick, watching the land around us rise up just a bit, like they are saying to the Smokies, "When I grow up, I want to be just like you!" A good space for writing.

We came together mid-morning for Family prayer, then we split off into groups to write songs together, which was wildly and excitedly successful! Matthew, Eric, and I headed downstairs with two sets of phrases in our hands and a baby of a melody swirling around... a seed-song.* By the time we re-emerged to the top of the stairs, Katie and Matt were on their second song.

We then took some time to teach each other; our tunes were vastly different. Then throughout the day, we took our little seed-songs and watched something beautiful grow from it. We've been adding harmonies and layers and having fun. It's long work to record, but here in the lakehouse, we're finding much joy in it. To write and record songs in less than 12 hours is such a treasure. How did we get here, away from our regular jobs and commitments? A gift from God, we know this is true.
Then there's all the laughter - at the dinner table, during recording (exactly when you are NOT supposed to laugh, of course).

I can still hear the harmonies, the many voices of Family, ringing in my ears...

*I owe the use of this word, "seed-song," to Sara Groves.

**All photos taken by Eric Papp

-Abbye

Songwriter's Retreat, Monday eve: arrival to the Bear Cub Cabin

2011-01-01T02:48:00.002-06:00

We've made it; 9pm, and I am the last one to barrel through those doors, arms full of excitement, song lyrics, and weariness from the workday and the nighttime drive. But yes, we're all here.

Although 3 people had to back out at the last minutes (flu, snow, wisdom teeth), I can't help but sensing that those here in the Bear Cub Cabin are going to become a Family nonetheless, we who escaped the wrath of winter storms and viruses. We've changed the guitar strings, setup the recording equipment, and bought enough food to keep us fed for several days.

This was born out of a desire to know what it's like to give our songs over to our friends, and maybe even to those we'd just met. All of us in that cabin had written something of value (isn't all writing of value, in some way?) - songs, journal entries, long letters - but we'd always written alone. One individual's thoughts getting down on the piece of paper or computer screen in front of us.

And we'd known Community in our living rooms, on the stage leading worship, in the throws of grief, but still we'd not really submitted ourselves and our melodies to the larger group, our Family.

What do we expect? What are we doing here? What is worship anyway? These are the questions we raised and gave over to the voice of Community this week. And what we do know is this: we will write; we will pray; we will listen; we will sing.

And now we will rest, for the hour is late.
*all pictures taken by Eric Papp

-Abbye

Songwriter's Retreat: the beginning

2010-12-22T23:38:00.002-06:00

Instead of writing my own posts about this past week's Songwriter's Retreat, I've decided to concede to my dear friend Abbye, who is a much better writer, and repost what she back-blogged during the retreat (due to our lack of internets at that time).

What is a Songwriter's Retreat? Who put this together for you? Where are you going? And what are you doing again? (And why do you need a whole week to...write?)

These are some great questions we received in the weeks leading up to our getaway to the tippy-toes of the Appalachian Mountains. These questions led us into some great conversations about why we write songs, why it's good to write together and especially how this week would be much more than just writing. We would write, sing, record, and above all that, pray, listen, and worship together. We decided to stop settling for, "Wouldn't it be so great if we holed ourselves up in a cabin for a week and wrote songs?"

This time, we did it.

And over the next several days, you can step back into last week with us and catch a glimpse of what it was all about, living in the Bear Cub Cabin, cooking meals, singing songs, reading Scripture, and laughing at Matthew's ridiculous clapping routines.

We hope you'll share the journey with us!

co-labor-ation

2010-12-11T01:19:00.007-06:00

Kicking off on Monday, Matthew Clark, Katie Heckel, Jeff and Abbye Pates, Brian Mulder, myself, and some friendlies will hole-up in a cabin for a week. "To eat, sing, pray, read, seek, write, worship, and record as a little family!" -MC. I have been dreaming, regardless of my sleep/wake cycle, about this worship songwriting retreat ever since I received the invite. I hope to come to the cabin with an open and unassuming heart, leaving room to marvel at what the Lord will accomplish. I'm excited to join together with these cherished friends. For a week we'll co-labor together in the family business...seeking and building The Kingdom. Join us in prayer this week asking God to come and impact us, to move and use us in such a way as to lift high the name of God.

exciting news:
I upgraded my camera body earlier today, driving from Ozark, MO to Hannibal, MO and then on to Columbia, MO. I couldn't be more excited to get this baby two days before heading to Mississippi. I had quite a time talking with the gentleman who sold me the d90. To my surprise, money was not at the center of our interaction, and it seemed merely a small part of our conversation. He showed me photos of his grandchildren, and we shot the breeze for a while. It warmed my soul today to have such a positive conversation with a complete stranger, even in the context of money passing hands.

I'll echo Matthew in saying that even if we get nothing done it will be a beautiful time together. But with all these great artists together you can expect some sweet new songs (a la Enter the Worship Circle) to show up soon.

sleepy sleepy

2010-12-07T23:13:00.001-06:00

Yoga before bed may well be a blessing from God. Goodnight to all, and to all a good night.

be thou my vision

2010-11-03T23:08:00.003-05:00

02 Be Thou My Vision by PageCXVI

I've been digging on this song today. Music provides such an avenue for me to cross paths with God. Jesus has made it so that we may cross paths even now, but that we may soon commune together intimately as these paths converge into ∞. Be thou my vision, Lord, this is the prayer of my heart.

Echoing the Presence of God

2010-10-24T23:40:00.001-05:00

A remark made by naturalist John Muir more than a century ago has managed to lodge itself into my mind.

I only went out for a walk and finally concluded to stay out till sundown, for going out, I found, was really going in.

Waist deep in the cool waters of Bennett Springs, my face and neck warmed by the sun, I felt a sense of oneness with the earth. Trout, both large and small, were meandering within inches of my feet, and Nature was playing one of her beautiful orchestral arrangements, echoing the presence of God. Brady and I made sure to apply ample amounts of sunscreen due to the fact that pale is "in" this season, and because Callie was kind enough to remind us before our departure.

The retirees fly fishing around me seemed to have perfected this art, convincing numerous trout to strike. But by swinging the fly back and forth through the air, the first thing I managed to catch was the crotch of my waders. My original focus was ostensibly on avoiding this region, but to no advantage. Hoping to limit this occurrence, and having grown frustrated by my lack of technique, I switched to a spin-casting rod. Although it came several hours after we arrived, I eventually caught my first trout, and it was worth every minute of it. But alas, I joined ranks as a bearer of the "one that got away" tale. Brady was downstream and sole possessor of the net, so when the fish danced, I watched in slow motion, helplessly, as the fish followed the trajectory toward the waters below. But whatever loss I experienced was overwhelmingly less than what I took out of this adventure.

Great conversations permeated the day, and gave rise to quality time spent with someone I truly consider a brother. The weather was delightful from beginning to end, starting with warm sun and closing with a thunderstorm rolling in.

Stillness and silence were satisfying for my soul. I was reminded of when the Lord speaks to Elijah on Mount Horeb...not in the wind...not in the earthquake...not in the fire...but, instead in a low whisper. There, in the stream, I am filled with a deep inner silence and wait for a still, small voice.

He speaks tenderly and reminds me that we are never alone.

pain. hope. joy.

2010-10-15T17:05:00.011-05:00

An ancient song fills my head in this moment.

Be not far from me, for trouble is near, and there is none to help. Psalm 22:11.

My roommate found out yesterday that his older brother had died unexpectedly. Earlier that morning he found out that his girlfriend's mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. My heart aches in this moment. It aches for Adam and the families affected by these difficult life moments.

In a more recent song; one that draws from the ancestry of the Psalms, titled "Pain," Aaron Strumpel sings what I am feeling: "I grow nearly faint when I see all the pain...There's AIDS in the world, and cancer in my friends, and I'm sick now 'cause I'm scared."

I cling to hope. I deeply desire that others might cling to this living hope. I hope in the eventual triumph of wholeness over disease, in the swallowing up of death by a life that cannot be denied.

I am affirmed by the twenty third Psalm.

The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.

He makes me lie down in green pastures.

He leads me beside still waters.

He restores my soul.

He leads me in paths of righteousness

for his name's sake.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,

I will fear no evil,

for you are with me;

your rod and your staff,

they comfort me.

Psalm 23:1-4

No, I will not be in want. You are with me; I will not fear. You comfort me; I will not fear. Fear has no place, not even a foothold, even in the face of terrifying things such as disease and sorrow. In the end, joy has the last word, offering a blessing.

Last weekend marked the first funeral I've attended for a patient that I've worked with at the hospital. It was for a man that many at the hospital felt a close connection to. He was one of the jolliest people I have ever met. We shared jokes back and forth each weekend, and if time allowed, we would talk about more than just the quick, "How are you feeling?" questions, and had several conversations that encompassed faith, marriage, children, and legacy. Over the weeks that I was able to care for him, I looked forward to our talks, but I wanted to see him get better and move on to the next step in his rehabilitation. One night I came in and struck up a quick conversation expecting our usual banter, but the mood was different. The air was thick with despair and depression. After weeks of working with him, this was the first time that I had seen him feeling this way and it upset me. I devised a plan to try to help bring him some joy. After my shift was over, with the help of a few other staff, we were able to transfer him to a wheelchair. He thought he was just going to sit up for breakfast, but I wrapped him in blankets and we rolled out of the room and navigated our way through the maze of the hospital until we reached the lower lobby. The mechanized doors parted and the sunrise shown brightly in front of us. I figured go big or go home applied here, so we took several laps around the parking lot, up hills and dodging cars. We were outside for nearly twenty minutes, but to the person occupying the chair, it could have been weeks.

A small idea planted in my mind by divine hands, was acted upon, and grew into something that would bring back the jolly spirit of a man that had been in a hospital room too long. His spirits revived, but his body unexpectedly did not. I imagined that the walk would be a turnaround point for his recovery, and it was partially accurate. His body began to deteriorate, but his renewed spirit allowed him to make peace with dying, and with God.

A small idea planted in the mind by divine hands, when acted upon, can grow something with an impact as great as feeling the cool breeze and warmth of the sun for seemingly weeks, though it be a literal last experience.

Listen intently and look with sharp eyes for the opportunities around you, Eric.

An excerpt from E. B. Browning's "Aurora Leigh" speaks truths I am ready to believe.

"Earth's crammed with heaven,

And every common bush afire with God;

But only he who sees, takes off his shoes,

The rest sit round it, and pluck blackberries,

And daub their natural faces unaware..."

No, I will not be in want. You are with me; I will not fear. You comfort me; I will not fear.

Joy has the last word, offering a blessing.

source of hope

2010-10-04T00:48:00.008-05:00

The tougher the times, the greater the need to live a life of love for others.

Nearness. This is what I have felt today. This is what has been encouraging me deep, deep down. Nearness to the the source of real hope. Following an emotionally taxing night at the hospital, I was eager to be around the family of God in hopes of restoration. A time gap allowed for 1 Peter and a great cup of coffee to begin to warm my body and soul before heading to Karis. Hat on, hood up, focused eyes, open heart. There are times when I am aware of my need for something outside of myself to make it through each moment. This is always the reality, but I am only really aware of this at certain times. This morning I felt it in the fibers of my being. I could feel that by the end of my shift I was not loving my patients well, and I was going through motions. This realization is defeating. I know that there is no slacking when it comes to our call to live like Jesus, especially when life is really tough. Peter doesn't ease our burden by saying we don't have to live like Jesus during difficult times. Instead he writes something to equip us with the power to love.

He begins his letter saying: "Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! According to his great mercy, he has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead" (1:3). The power of hope. If we are to love like Jesus loved, even in times of great stress and worry, then we must be filled with "living hope."

There are some things going on in life, that when I hear this kind of encouragement it provokes a resounding "Amen!" because this is what I've been looking for and needing to hold onto. This "living hope" is fertile, fruitful, and productive. It has power. It gives rise to change.

I needed this. I need this. Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! There is great cause for celebration.

communion wine

2010-10-02T08:29:00.003-05:00

My parents and I were having a glass of wine after a lovely dinner a few nights ago. Dad had taught a study about the last supper as it relates to communion the night prior. Proud as I was to see my dad leading at church, I couldn't help but get lost in the text. I've been reading in Isaiah and that night I began to see connections between Jesus' last supper and the feast foretold in Isaiah 25 and the wedding feast in Revelation 19...

[6] On this mountain the LORD of hosts will make for all peoples

a feast of rich food, a feast of well-aged wine,

of rich food full of marrow, of aged wine well refined.

[7] And he will swallow up on this mountain

the covering that is cast over all peoples,

the veil that is spread over all nations.

[8] He will swallow up death forever;

and the Lord GOD will wipe away tears from all faces,

and the reproach of his people he will take away from all the earth,

for the LORD has spoken.

(Isaiah 25:6-8 ESV)

[9] And the angel said to me, “Write this: Blessed are those who are invited to the marriage supper of the Lamb.” And he said to me, “These are the true words of God.”

(Revelation 19:9 ESV)

While enjoying the cup with my parents, I was reminded that Jesus said that he would not drink wine again until he drinks it new, when we are new, together in his kingdom. I long for that day. To be welcomed into the presence of my maker and savior is sobering. Though I am parched, I lap my tongue at the sour wine of lesser lovers. Yet by grace Jesus welcomes me to taste the aged wine that knows no time.

[29] I tell you I will not drink again of this fruit of the vine until that day when I drink it new with you in my Father's kingdom.”

(Matthew 26:29 ESV)

I must quote Waterdeep, from their song Both Of Us'll Feel The Blast, a song that presents as vivid an image of this as I've come across

...dying's underrated, it's a ticket to the feast-
The one we're all invited to, from the greatest to the least

I hope we sit together when Jesus serves the wine
So I can look into your eyes when I taste it the first time
And I know there's no secrets when you're sitting at that table
But I believe we'll smile real knowingly when we read the label
And it says "passion sacrificed to keep from going crazy."
We'll tip our glasses to the Host who used to look so hazy
And drink it down all sweet and slow and slip inside His mind
And realize as it goes down- this is communion wine

I love the chill and goosebumps the Spirit so lovingly supplies when connections are made, and when I'm graced with the ability to understand a little bit about God and who he is. Love wells from within and I feel giddy about what I've just read from the Bible. Jesus, teach me that this is really what it looks like to be a man. A man in your eyes.

opportunities

2010-09-07T20:07:00.004-05:00

This photo might look familiar. His name is Cauan and he and I became fast friends in Brazil.

Well, this little guy has the chance to have this photo in Dave Barnes' music video for "God Gave Me You." It would bring me much joy to be able to show Cauan his face in the music video for a song that gives thanks to God for the relationships he has placed us in. If you would like to help make this happen you can "like" the photo on facebook here: http://bit.ly/cUZO1h

Thank you friends! Now, back to studying the liver. yipee!

Oh, that reminds me, please, please pray for my friend Ellen (also in Brazil). I was chatting with her boyfriend Marccus today on fb and learned that she has had major liver complications that were life threatening. Through the language barrier, I believe that she has had one surgery already, but it went poorly, and she will have another to correct the mistake from her first.

I often ignore the blessing I have in being a part of such a rich network of prayer warriors. Thank you for lifting her up in this moment. Please continue to pray alongside me for Cauan, that God would show himself clearly to him, and that Cauan would respond in faith.

I appreciate you all. Boa noite.

seraphs and superlatives

2010-08-30T02:38:00.008-05:00

Holiness, holiness is what I long for. Holiness is what I need. Holiness is what you want from me. So, take my heart and form it; take my mind, transform it; take my will, conform it to yours, to yours, oh Lord.

Faithfulness, faithfulness...

Righteousness, righteousness...

to yours, to yours, oh Lord.

I have been thinking and praying about holiness after encountering, and seeing with fresh eyes, my sin juxtaposed with a perfect God. I have grown comfortable with my flesh, and blinded to truths that were so evident not long ago. I have allowed my own heart, my own mind, and my body to become corrupted. Tonight, my brokenness was met with open arms.

Lord, you used Revelation 4 and 5 to show me that you are worthy of worship, and you used it to awe and flatten me, just as the twenty-four elders and four living creatures fell down before the Lamb. And we began to sing a new song.

You are sorting out my imperfections. Lord, you really are taking away what pollutes me. Even though I so often feel lost and am frustrated by that, Lord I can feel that things are changing, and that things are changed. You are restoring clarity to a very clouded heart, mind, and body.

You are growing my confidence in you, that you really do have the ability to take away the cancerous things that seem to have metastasized, by bringing purity.

Turn my deserts into gardens. You are, you have, and you will continue.

Because of having met you, and because of knowing you, there are things I could not see that I can see now; that I did not know that I know now, because you taught me, because you have done work to mend what once was broken.

Lord, give us the ability to see you and hear you and follow you. Keep us trusting in you, that you are the one doing the work, and that you are the one who is faithful.

Transform our hearts that we may be a people who bring transformation.

You do really good work Lord, you really do.

"Holy, holy, holy is the Lord of hosts;

the whole earth is full of his glory!"

Isaiah 6:3

(adapted from the prayer of a dear friend)

mint julep, plantations, and oaks a'plenty

2010-08-09T18:07:00.015-05:00

Tour of the Oak Valley Plantation just outside New Orleans during the heat wave that was early August. We had a chance to visit Lauren and help her get moved into her house and classroom. What a beautiful visit filled with loving people and memories made.

New Chapters

2010-08-07T00:04:00.000-05:00

7/29 (from a bit ago)

Today started before the sun, but it was well worth the sleepy eyes. I was able to make breakfast for my good friend Jason before his last day of nursing school. Look forward to that coming day myself, but today I was proud to see him finish. It doesn't seem real that he moved into our house only a year ago. God has done much through him in that short time to bless me and the other men in the house. I will truly miss, and cherish, the fun and impactful times that we have shared, from launching things from atop our roof, blasting our pecs at the gym ;), talking girls, to challenging each other to pursue God with fervor, praying together, and memorizing verses...glimpses into a blessed friendship.

Last night several of the guys in our house went out to eat to have a last hurrah with Jason, and then had a great time acting a fool on the roof. But afterwords, when things settled down, we were all able to pray together and God's presence was clearly present. Burrito fajitas, hanging out on the roof, prayer, and tears...good night.

...But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. Matthew 6:33

These words seemed to frame the night and preceded the following verse, "Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble. Matthew 6:34

Jason and several others are moving from Columbia and anxiety can be easy to come by when unknowns are in the picture. God provides. Two words, often hard to believe, but continually true. Jason just received word today that he is being hired for a job in Hawaii as a videographer for a marine park, and is leaving on Tuesday, trusting in the God's providence.

I'm encouraged by those who continue to trust when details are fuzzy. Keep the faith.

la musica

2010-07-29T18:55:00.010-05:00

I've been trying to pick up the guitar for years now. Well, halfheartedly putting forth effort to learn guitar. I thought I'd share with you the first, and only song so far, in which my right and left hands don't become bipolar when I try to throw in the element of vocals. This is very rough, as I have yet to really learn to play the guitar, or sing for that matter, but hey, you get some fun falsetto too. I wanted to share a song that has been running through my head lately. Not solely because it's the only song I can play/sing, but because it has such a great message that I need to hear over and over. Lift up and praise the Son, and don't worry about gaining anything else but him. Ben and Robin Pasley rock this on Enter the Worship Circle, Circle 4, if you're interested in hearing it in its original state. Check them out, they have been instrumental, no pun intended, in my faith and its growth by allowing me to worship God through their music.

Higher and Higher
Ben and Robin Pasley

V.1 Why would the people of the earth, sell their soul for a feeling
Soon to fade, soon to fade, soon to fade away
Why would the kings of the earth, dare to build a kingdom
Soon to fade, soon to fade, soon to fade away

TIE: But here we come, and we bow down, Watch us kiss the Son

CH. We kiss the Son, we come undone
We lift him higher and higher
We kiss the King, he means everything
We lift him higher and higher

V.2 Why would the nations of the earth, make war for a power
Soon to fade, soon to fade, soon to fade away
Why would the ruler of the earth, try to own everything
Soon to fade, soon to fade, soon to fade away

Galatians 5:6

2010-07-26T01:38:00.018-05:00

The means to love begins with trust,

and faith in Him who forms with dust.

But how, O Lord, shall I attain,

to a love for those whom I disdain?

A love with strength enough to bless,

and pray for those who bring forth stress?

Sweet resolve rests in your Book of Life,

breathed out for ones born into strife.

Again, I ask, remind my soul,

before unbelief may take its toll.

That your sovereign goodness is worthy of trust,

ushering in freedom to again adjust;

From complacent heart to one brimming with love,

rooted deep within your Son above.

Careful religion nor its disregard amount to much,

nonetheless, I am apt to run to such.

For in Christ Jesus, the plan superior,

is one in relation to the interior;

Faith expressed in love.

Matthew 5:14-16

2010-06-30T09:23:00.007-05:00

Let me love both friend and foe.

Let me shine, though fallen,
with a life, so distinctive,
displaying your glow.
For you have made me a city,
not hidden from view,
but a light among men
that points only to you.
Let me be the proof that
You are making all things new,
that you can be trusted
and that your existence is true.
Let your promises pierce -
deep into my heart,
cut out pride and fear
and greed to start.
For you are the Great Surgeon,
the one writing this story.
Oh, would you please take next,
any ounce of vain glory?
Replace them with contentment and love,
and freedom for others.
Let your presence be clear
to my sisters and brothers.
Light of the world,
to my heart you are knit,
Let my life show your hope and freedom,
that the world will admit
That you are real and glorious,
and worthy of praise.
Your light I shall shine,
for the rest of my days.

Cidade de Deus

2010-06-20T18:08:00.026-05:00

Shadows hide the nakedness of this little one. Playing with a fan just outside the security of his scrap-metal home, a half naked boy was eager to see the new faces passing by. Apparently he seldom dons clothes, indoors or out, and just as rarely joins the games played at the new church a few steps away. The church building is not spotless or exquisite in any way, but rather is marked with bullet holes and puddles of water. Be that as it may, its lack of roof and stained glass does little to keep out the 2o persons who have decided that gathering there to worship together is valuable. I did not catch this little boy's name, nor whether he is naked by choice or circumstance. But I pray that the redemption already brought to those who gather regularly, just a few steps away, will soon affect his life.

Battered pews and wet floors are not what I envisioned when told of the recent church God has birthed in the City of God favela. Our church in Columbia is going to be donating funds to help finish the building described here: http://tinyurl.com/brazilianwall Once an execution room used by drug lords; now it has been redeemed and houses a beautiful portion of God's church.

Not trained to say cheese or smile when a camera is produced, this little guy looks curiously at me and my camera. Most likely having never seen his own photo, he was amused by the picture on the rear of the camera. "Another, take another" was my interpretation of the words that followed. Having been seen eating food found on the mired paths that interlace the favela, it is comforting to see him eating chips from a bag. This is most likely not a treat, but nourishment, based on the rate at which he is eating, but he seems content with what I consider little. And amused by what I take for granted...a simple image of himself.

Long eyelashes, a sign of malnutrition. Huge smile and telling eyes of the joy within this boy. I can tell that there is something different about this boy. He clings to us like glue as we walk through the community, not asking for anything but attention and love.

He displays an unexpected joy welling from deep within. I am told that he hasn't missed a single happening at the church building since people started gathering there a few weeks ago.

We had such a fun time together and I was sad to leave him behind at the end of the day. So was he. A sadness fell over him as we had to pile into the van and say, "tchau tchau."

Our friend was reassured by Christy (a Texan living on mission in Brazil) that she would be back in a few days. It does my heart good to see that there are people committed to serving this community.

There is such a warmth to people we met in Brazil. Amidst poverty and desolation, this warmth was not absent from an older man we met.

The lines on his face, visible reminders of the years he has experienced. Wisdom eager to be passed on, but shielded by a language barrier. He is however able to portray his happiness that we are there. He knew those leading us through his city and trusted us as friends because of the work done before us. That bridge allowed us to pray and meet with many people. I am so confident in the work that came before, and continues after we left.

I cannot express the degree to which prayer is needed for this community and the workers for the gospel there. The building above is a house of witchcraft located no more than 30 yards from the church mentioned previously. God shines forth brightly, and the darkness will not overcome him, but the truth of its presence is still sobering.

An infant is held by a proud father outside the door of his home. This my friends is a rarity. Men in this community are scarce. Men with jobs, who love their wife, and who are also present in the lives of their children is almost never seen. This man is an exception. He is also a member of the church body that I have been talking about.

His older son takes in the picture of 12 strangers crammed into his house praying for his mother. This father mentioned earlier invited us in to pray for his wife who had spent many weeks in the hospital after giving birth to the swaddled little one shown earlier. I was brought to tears by the faithfulness of a family who has seen much pain, but knows the peace of God and has learned to rely on him for everything. I am humbled beyond expression and am crying in the library as I type.

This little guy has too many sandals. Just kidding. He's friends with the smiling boy pictured earlier and they exchanged handshakes just moments before taking this photo. I am hopeful for these two boys and pray for their futures.

Luke Freeman and his new friends.

After several attempts a successful bubble makes for a proud little girl.

Knowing nothing of the World Cup, this boy still knows the joy of playing with a ball. Who knows, maybe I'll see him on television someday soon, heading a ball in for a goal.

Contrast is a prevalent theme in the City of God. Clothes and trash litter the muddy streets and desolation abounds, but vibrant beauty springs forth from the faces and stories of its inhabitants. God is present and one could not ask for more. I need my hard heart to be pierced by this truth. He will never say, "tchau tchau."

I am continuing to process through the memories that I have from Brazil, but look forward to telling anyone who will listen about the goodness of God. Come taste and see that the Lord is good.

Granted Admission

2010-05-04T15:14:00.005-05:00

Recently, I have been welcomed into the lives of many unexpected people. In a small group with church, we have been having a monthly game night at Paquin Towers, a local residence for disabled and those living below the poverty line. During a game of Cranium, an eccentric older man walked through the main door wearing a black beret and carrying an umbrella with a duck's head for a handle. He examined the game pieces, intrigued by something we did not see. I had brought my camera and as he was about to head up to his room for the night, I asked if I could take a portrait shot of him. He was hesitant at first and I wanted to respect that, but after a bit of thought he agreed. I took a few quick pics and then asked if I could get his contact info in case any of the pictures came out well, so I could give him a copy. We were about to exchange info, but he must have linked my affinity for photography with a love for the arts and invited me up to see his artwork. I was a little hesitant, but threw caution to the wind and up the elevator went. I spent the next couple hours listening to the stories behind each piece of artwork that literally filled his studio apartment. I could not have been more pleased to listen to each story, perplexed by the quantity and quality of his work. I realized I had spent a few hours up there and thanked him for showing me his work, we exchanged info and I headed back downstairs to see if the rest of our group was still there. I had been allowed into the intimate place of a stranger's home, an artist's studio to boot. During our time I had a small opportunity to talk openly about faith and nursing and living out of the country. Even at his age he works as a personal care assistant for someone with quadriplegic paralysis, so we were able to connect on several levels.

Another surprising opportunity happened during my maternity clinical rotation. We were at the hospital and my initial patient and her new baby had been discharged to go home. This gave me the opportunity to help out in the well baby nursery and to practice with extra assessments. After our lunch break my professor told me that there was a mother on the L&D floor with history of precipitous (swift) labor and there was a possibility she would let me help out. Turns out there were two women on the floor in labor and one of the nurses had told our professor about one in particular, but not the other. My professor accidentally asked the other. The mother didn't speak English, but through the translator said she was fine with me being there. Let me just say that I was ecstatic. A woman from a very modest culture had given the green light to a nursing student being present during such a special and intimate time, and a male nursing student on top of that! I had a little time to build up a rapport with the family, and was able to exercise what little Spanish that I know. The family was so kind and very great to work with. When the time came, the nurse called me over from recording the vitals to help support the mother's leg so that she could bear down and push. The physician was amazing and talked me through everything, solidifying the concepts I had learned in class. When the baby entered the world my eyes teared up. I have heard that birth is a miracle and I believed it, but seeing it happen right before my eyes made that phrase come alive.

I still cannot believe how special these moments are and continue to wonder why I was allowed entry into these private moments. God is SO big and I will never understand why he does what he does, but he is GOOD! My life so far has taken so many crazy twists and turns and I would be beyond a fool not to attribute each of the silly and awing moments to the sovereignty of He who created all things, showed his faithfulness to his creation by becoming a man, dying as a criminal, conquering death by rising from the grave, the father in turn looking on Christ's sacrifice as worthy, thus saving me from my depravity...

And now, allows me to be a part of his intimate story of redemption, choosing to display his grace by including me as a part of what he is doing. God is active in his creation and he is crazy good at what he does. Please get to know him; he welcomes you into his marvelous story.

Let Your Kingdom Come

2010-05-02T03:10:00.000-05:00

How has accepting Christ changed the way I live? How do I now honor God with my life? Both are questions I've been wielding to further examine and ponder how I use the time and breath I currently have on loan. Jesus gave us a living example to model our lives by, footprints, by which if we should only follow them, we would be led down the straight and narrow road to a life well pleasing to God. By looking at the example of how Jesus lived in order to honor God, I begin to see specific themes and issues that he cared about and taught on.

Matthew 9:35-38

35 And Jesus went throughout all the cities and villages, teaching in their synagogues and proclaiming the gospel of the kingdom and healing every disease and every affliction. 36 When he saw the crowds, he had compassion for them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd. 37 Then he said to his disciples, “The harvest is plentiful, but the laborers are few; 38 therefore pray earnestly to the Lord of the harvest to send out laborers into his harvest.”

Matthew 20: 25-28

25 But Jesus called them to him and said, “You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their great ones exercise authority over them. 26 It shall not be so among you. But whoever would be great among you must be your servant, [1] 27 and whoever would be first among you must be your slave, [2] 28 even as the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.”

1 Peter 4:11

11 whoever speaks, as one who speaks oracles of God; whoever serves, as one who serves by the strength that God supplies—in order that in everything God may be glorified through Jesus Christ. To him belong glory and dominion forever and ever. Amen.

Galatians 5: 22-24

22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. 24 And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.

Psalm 102: 18-22

18 Let this be recorded for a generation to come,
so that a people yet to be created may praise the Lord:
19 that he looked down from his holy height;
from heaven the Lord looked at the earth,
20 to hear the groans of the prisoners,
to set free those who were doomed to die,
21 that they may declare in Zion the name of the Lord,
and in Jerusalem his praise,
22 when peoples gather together,
and kingdoms, to worship the Lord.

Ephesians 5: 1-2

1 Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children. 2 And walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.

Mark 16: 15

15 And he said to them, “Go into all the world and proclaim the gospel to the whole creation.

2 Corinthians 5: 17-19

17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. [1] The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. 18 All this is from God, who through Christ reconciled us to himself and gave us the ministry of reconciliation; 19 that is, in Christ God was reconciling [2] the world to himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and entrusting to us the message of reconciliation.

Matthew 25: 34-40

34 Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world. 35 For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, 36 I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me.’ 37 Then the righteous will answer him, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you drink? 38 And when did we see you a stranger and welcome you, or naked and clothe you? 39 And when did we see you sick or in prison and visit you?’ 40 And the King will answer them, ‘Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, [1] you did it to me.’

Jesus made service to the poor, sacrifice, suffering, and sharing the Good News with all people a priority in his life. How does this affect the way I react to people I encounter? My future plans? My decisions? My Friendships? My attitude?

Things I am pondering.

I count everything as loss

2010-03-25T13:59:00.005-05:00

(My great good friend Matthew Clark during Spring Break at SOS in Memphis)

There are so many things that I want to pen to paper, or type into my laptop, but I have had to resist. Nursing school continues to amaze me with its ability to progressively capture away the hours of the day. We have just embarked into the foreign world of Maternity, and it's providing many with labor pains. However, I am refreshed after a week well spent with my dad and friends in Memphis, and it could not have come at a better time. Unexpectedly, I found myself leading a group of college students from Austin, TX in serving Miss Mattie in the Bing (affectionate term for the neighborhood of Binghampton, inner city Memphis, and Lord willing, future place to call home before saying goodbye to the US) by heading up the re-roofing of her home. I was able to lead the devotions time we had each afternoon, and was particularly encouraged by the words of a couple currently serving in East Asia who used to work with SOS. Their names have been changed, but I'll call them David and Karen. They and their 3 small children now live in a major city while taking language classes and working on a local college campus, meeting freshman and sharing the gospel of Jesus Christ with them. The catch is, evangelism is illegal in this country and their work of sharing the good news must be kept under the radar. They hope to raise up disciples among these college students who will then continue to spread the Good News to their own people.

Here's the letter from Karen that was used for our Wednesday devotional:

At 10 p.m. on a Friday night last month, while David was away at an evangelism event on campus, I was curled up in a ball in our frigid, unheated bedroom, crying my heart out. Nothing tragic was happening, to speak of. I had simply been in a foreign land for 17 months, rarely leaving my apartment, covered up to my ears in diaper wipes and peanut butter sandwiches, and a part of me was beginning to ask, “Why?” I had seen a picture of my little brother on the internet that afternoon, and he looked like a guy nearing 30 (which indeed he is). A literal ache began in my chest, and only worsened as the evening wore on. I tried to video-call my mom, but our connection betrayed us. I was left with nothing but the image of her in a bathrobe frozen on my screen, with an odd look on her face. It was too late to call my friends here. I would never phone David during an evangelism event. I was homesick and alone. It is hard to be a stay-at-home missionary. I have made all of the sacrifices of a missionary, but I reap few of the immediate rewards. Each morning I kiss David goodbye and he disappears behind the elevator doors, only to reappear 7 hours later, the world a little more aware of Jesus. I pray. I stay up on what is going on. I bake pies for team dinners. However, for the most part, I do the same things that I did in America, except I cannot go out to lunch with my mom, or drop the kids off at my mother-in-law’s when I have a hair appointment, or even speak to my neighbor. It is a lonely existence much of the time. It is a high-stress existence. It is easy to lose focus and forget why we came here. All of this was made worse last month, as the semester was coming to a close with little to show for it, and we were embarking on our second consecutive holiday season away from the USA. As I lay crying on my bed that Friday night, I repeated a simple prayer over and over from the very gut-bottom of my heart, “Lord, make it worth it. Make it worth it…”

…And then, at about 11 p.m., the key turned in the lock and David came through the door, his face glowing, his eyes warm with the light of the Holy Spirit. He smiled, and even before he told me the good news, I knew that God had answered my prayer. The tears flowed again, only this time they were tears of joy. Three young men had decided to follow Jesus that evening. Three new names in the book of life. Three future husbands, fathers, grandfathers, teachers, bosses, neighbors, friends, who would reach the world around them with the peace that now flooded them from head to toe. If we had not come, who would have told them? If we had not come, how would David have played basketball with them a few weeks ago, a random group of gangly college boys, only to meet with them again to share the good news of Jesus and challenge them to believe? And so we stood in our living room, the clock nearing midnight, praising God and embracing one another as the Christmas tree blinked and the children slept in their beds. “This is why I came,” I said. “Yes,” David said, looking me in the face, “This is why we came.”

-----

I'm reminded of the amazing times when God has done marvelous things for my good, but for his glory. I think back to my spinal injury during my senior season of wrestling, happening just before the state tournament, before nursing was even a twinkling in my eye. I was hurt, having put so many hours into something I was passionate about, watching what had been my best year end abruptly. Fast forward two years and you would find me sitting in a hospital during my third interview with the facility, being told that I had slipped through the cracks and there wasn't a position open on the cardiac floor for the hours I could work. "We like you. Let me see if there are any other positions available on other floors." I am technically hired on Joint Replacement, but have been scheduled on the Spine Center basically since I was hired. I can offer a glimpse of hope for patients because I have been in their shoes, I can relate to the pain they have felt, and I am a better tech because of it. I praise God that he allowed my disks to herniate; that he allowed my dad to be downsized from a job he was incredible at, that God might show his provision and faithfulness in ways more grand than a paycheck, and bring our family closer together in the process.

Psalm 102:18-22 “Let this be recorded for a generation to come, so that a people yet to be created may praise the LORD: that he looked down from his holy height; from heaven the LORD looked at the earth, to hear the groans of the prisoners, to SET FREE those who were doomed to die, that they may declare in Zion the name of the LORD, and in Jerusalem his praise, when peoples gather together, and kingdoms, to worship the LORD.”

I now have to go study maternity, but as we go forth from here, what I want you to remember and know are these 3 crucial truths:

1) God’s number one agenda is to make much of His own name, thus, acting for His own glory. Being that this is His agenda and we are His followers, it only makes sense that this must also become our agenda – to live for the glory of God in all things. (Phil. 2:9-11, Isa 43:25)

2) God’s call for discipleship is radical and contrary to everything we see and know. In this call, Jesus asks us to consider the cost – that of giving up your own life, living for the glory of another (God) and not yourself, treasuring Christ as the most important thing in your life, and, yes, even suffering and enduring hardship for the name of Jesus and the Gospel.

3) The reward of following Jesus and responding to God’s call is the best and most rewarding decision you could ever make. We have to believe this is true, that Jesus truly is our greatest treasure. We make a “sacrifice” only to receive something better – intimacy and relationship with our Lord and Creator!

Enjoy Christ! Enjoy Christ! And enjoy Christ!

Hiding

2010-03-03T04:28:00.006-06:00

I'm into my second week of memorizing scripture with a few of my roommates. This time next year, I pray that we've hidden at least 52 verses in our hearts in order that we might not sin against God (Psalm 119: 11). Deuteronomy 7: 9 christened our trek through the Word.

9 Know therefore that the Lord your God is God, the faithful God who keeps covenant and steadfast love with those who love him and keep his commandments, to a thousand generations

I wanted to start this as I've been thinking about what it looks like to mirror Christ; to be intimately involved with the life of the Son, and a few of my roommates were on board. Jesus quoted parts of our verse for this week (Deut. 10: 12-13) when he was questioned by pharisees as to which commandment was greatest. When tempted or when questions were asked, Jesus would answer with scripture. I have so enjoyed praying and dwelling on a few verses and being able to say them from my heart. Deut. 7: 9 has been such a beacon of light for me when I've struggled with whatever. Offering grace, being joyful, keeping my tongue in check, keeping my eyes in check, whatever. I've used it out of context, preaching it to myself and it still seems to reorient me to truth, and not my deceitful self. I trust the breath of God, and I'm learning to not trust myself, unless I know it lines up with what He says. God has equipped us with the tools for life, providing the foundation for what a life that counts looks like. I'm excited to see how God blesses and uses this discipline to further and enrich his Kingdom. I wholeheartedly urge you to give it a try.

Carpentry

2010-02-10T01:40:00.007-06:00

Today, God blessed me with a saw and drill, and a great conversation with a funny old man.

I have been waiting patiently to buy tools of my own, but friends, this has been quite the chore. Over the years I have borrowed from friends, been creative, and often leaned on the Church to provide for my utility needs. I pictured having to wait until I convinced my wife that we should register for a saw instead of a microwave, but I was wrong. I checked craigslist, made a phone call, and before long, off I was in search of a friendly voice's house. Each time I called, an older woman would answer, having seemingly been awakened from her nap, and holler across the house for Gary. I patiently waited for him to come to the phone, and decided to leave my "I know construction, so don't try to jip me" tone behind. He said "hello" and I asked how his day was going, catching him off guard. We chatted for a bit, and he invited me over to take a look at the tools. I fought the unploughed roads leading to his house, but arrived safely.

At the front door, I experienced one of my quirky loves: the dialogue inside that springs forth after someone rings a doorbell. Quick shuffling, "Gary, he's here, go get the door," she voiced. She answered the door. "Hello, Gary's in the back, but come on in." I step inside and close the door. Two cats rush past me down the corridor carved through the things cluttering the room. I think to myself, "Crazy cat couple; remember the exit for a quick get-away." I immediately judge them for the disarray around me. No! In the moment I chide myself and pray for a softer heart. By God's grace, my mind is brought to a right perspective.

Gary enters the scene, suspenders working hard, slicked back gray hair, and a firm hand shake. He brings out the case. "I'm selling them for my brother. Not even sure if they work, no battery you see." I give them a quick look over. They are in great condition. I tell him about having done roofing in Memphis and that this cordless circular saw would have come in handy. This spurs him to take out his wallet and grab an old business card, flip it over and take down my info, writing roofer next to my name and number. I try to explain that I have limited experience, and that I'm in nursing school, and attempt to discredit myself enough to avoid a phone call asking for me to re-roof a house. He writes part-time roofer instead. Feeling defeated, and expecting a call sometime soon, I pull out my wallet and hand him the money. "If they don't work, go ahead and bring them back," he says. I explain that I know I'm taking a risk, and not to worry about that. I thank him and start to head for the door.

He stops and tells me that he used to be a nurses' aid many years ago. I explain that I am also an aid at Boone hospital. After a very winded story about an experience he had as an aid, he urges me to really care for and about my patients. Words I always need to hear. I want work to never just be work, but an opportunity to worship Christ and wash feet. I am reminded of a verse in James 4 in which "God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble. Submit yourselves therefore to God." Thank you God for also having the grace to humble my pride.

God continues his work on me, refining me into an image of his son. Lots of canvas yet to paint, but I am encouraged by the growth I can see within myself. All glory be to God for this mighty work of his grace. A few verses later, James reads, "Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you." This is great truth.

After buying a saw and reflecting on the day, I can't help but think of Joseph. A carpenter by trade, and Jesus, his apprentice. I am thankful that God directed my eye to craigslist today, that he might humble and bless me in a cluttered old house with a friendly old man.

a lungful of air

2010-02-06T03:46:00.016-06:00

Because your steadfast love is better than life,
my lips will praise you. (Psalm 63:3)

I ran into a good friend last night before work that I haven't been able to talk with for a while. It was really pleasant to quickly catch up on each others lives and what's been going on. It was over faster than I wished, but that's the theme of my song tonight. During the conversation we somehow got onto the topic of the brevity of life, well, this life. Working at a hospital on floors with a primarily older patient population lends to a special insight on life. We're getting old. We all get old. At 22, I half-genuinely joke about feeling the effects of aging. My ankles seemingly have small explosions each morning, my ears are starting to grow prepubescent beards, and people now call at 9:00 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?" At the hospital I see more moons than the Hubble Telescope, but I'm beginning to put together the clues. Old rumps may they be, these clues lead to the realization that these vessels in which we dwell, and the time that we spend in them is but a breath (Job 7:7).

"You are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes" (James 4:14). That is, I must keep in mind that I have no firm substance on this earth. I am as fragile as mist and vapor. I must keep in mind that I have no durability on this earth, for I appear "for a little time" - just a little time. My time is short. Your time is short. And keep in mind that you will disappear. You and I will be gone, and life will go on without us. It matters, James says, that we keep this view of life in mind.

God means for the truth about himself and about life to be known and felt and spoken as part of our reason for being. Gazing at life from that angle spurs me to move with haste. It causes me to laugh at entertaining ideas of loitering on my heavenly expedition. Oh, that my life would be a vivid, powerful testimony to the truth that God can and does use weak men to accomplish amazing things for his glory.

The call of the gospel is to a life that counts. God is the initiator of his mission to redeem, through the Church, a special people for Himself from all of the peoples of the world. He sent His Son for this purpose and He sends the Church into the world with the message of the gospel for the same purpose. As the psalm I started with expresses, creation exists that we may live in such a way that affirms that Jesus is more precious than life. More precious than life. Jesus, help me to make that a reality, that others would see that you are the most valuable thing in my life. Help me to sacrifice myself for the good of others so that it is unquestionably apparent that my treasure is not on this earth. Let me not be a carbon copy of the world.

God governs my life - its length and its achievement. I don't have a say in when I go, but I will be obedient to his commission. I'm only misty for a little time. Time to move my feet.

Radiating Joy

2009-11-30T06:02:00.004-06:00

radiating joy is real
because Christ is everywhere--
Christ in our hearts,
Christ in the poor we meet,
Christ in the smile we give
and in the smile that we receive.

--mother teresa.

I want to live with the radiating joy of Christ in my life in every moment. Lord would you be so evident?

<-- Harar, Ethiopia Jan. 2009

Rooted

2009-11-09T05:08:00.004-06:00

Lord, make me into a beautiful child who only gets his love from you; a tree with roots so deep that I never turn away from you. Your living waters flow deep within the soil around me. Help me to see these wells, so as to prosper and grow with branches lifted high in praise, and give glory to you. Plant me where you will.

Sweet Surrender

2009-09-17T08:27:00.005-05:00

Like Job, I sometimes have a whole lot of questions. Recently I have been having a lot of the same questions that he had, and just feeling despaired. But God is still God. Job didn't get the answers to why things were happening to him. Job is such a long book of this bantering back and forth, with everyone giving advice and telling him what to do. At the end Job asks God, and God's answer is just who He is...and that's enough for Job. At the end of the book, he says, 'before my ears had heard of you, but now my eyes have seen you' and so that's enough. And of course he said, 'I repent and I'm in ashes' but he never got an answer. God didn't say, 'I did this because..., or I let this happen because...' He just said, 'this is who I am, and I did all these other things, and I'm God.'
As I read this story I so clearly recognize it in my own life. This past week has been one of trials; amidst an increasingly busier schedule at school, I became a victim of fraud and lost a lot of money; a check I thought had cleared by now was cashed, bringing my balance into the negatives, and the overdraft fees are rising exponentially, almost equaling the amount that I lost due to the fraud. Loan payouts and tuition reimbursement money are seemingly still on their way, but in this mess, I am beginning to wonder. All this to say, like Job, I've been feeling despaired. But my hope comes from God and the reality of who he is. When I say, 'if only I could see you, then maybe I'd believe,' God does just that. He reveals himself in a way I don't expect; in a way that Job didn't expect.

You made the stars, You made the oceans, You made the mountains, You made me. You made us live, You made us love, You made us breathe. -Abbye Pates

His answer was enough for Job. It's enough for me. I don't understand You, but I love You. I cannot explain You, but I love You. I barely know You, but I love You...I love You, I love You, I love You.