happiness

I have been feeling unhappy.

I miss the sun. Strange, right? I normally avoid the sun as much as possible, because we don't normally get along too well. Working overnights has changed that. I crave sunlight and literally can't seem to get enough.

I miss a girl who made me very happy. Sometimes that hits harder than others, but it's been fairly regular. I miss feeling 10 feet off the ground and feeling secure. 

I miss people. I'm tired of being asleep when the sun and my friends are awake. I'm tired of being awake when the sun and my friends are asleep. For this season, it's necessary, but I pray for not much longer. 

I miss my family. Having them within 3 hours and not being able to see them is every bit of frustrating. Like ships in the night, we seem to miss each others' calls and texts and faces. 

I miss good perspective. Lord, help.

I am told that I am made in your image, God.

Sometimes I am not so sure. 

I am petty and selfish and want what I want, now.

But if what they say is true, I am created for you.

I am made to worship and live for your glory, not my own.

Made to serve you and others, not myself.

I am finding that when I try to put my happiness ahead of obedience to you,

I violate my own nature and become, ultimately, miserable. 

Matthew 16:25 helps me understand a seeming paradox.

"Whoever wants to save his life will lose it,

but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it."

Jesus, if I seek my own happiness more than I seek you, I will have neither;

if I seek to serve you more than serve happiness, I will have both.

Please pull this life-choking, self-centered weed at the roots.

Make room in my heart for more of you.

I am beginning to feel happy.